Asshole Comments & The Impulsive Buy

Obviously I have a blog, which is on the internet, and open to everyone….and of course, because the world is full of idiots that have computers, every so often I’ll get a stupid comment like:

” Your cookies look like dogshit” or ” Show me your tits because your blog is dumb”.

Very Original.

I’m used to this, and I usually delete them because I can.

One of the funniest, if not THE funniest food-related blog in the internet is “The Impulsive Buy”.
http://www.theimpulsivebuy.com/wordpress/

I’ve been reading it for at least a couple of years and Marvo (Impulsive Buy’s main contributor/creator) is hilarious in a very specific way that approaches comic genius.

(Or at least it always makes me laugh out loud…)
He curses freely, talks about sex, and his comparisons of the products/food he reviews often border on the offensive.
But it’s always funny.
Always.
Big fan.

He even has video reviews…

http://www.youtube.com/user/theimpulsivebuy#p/a/u/2/uIoaM8cAa8E

Anyway, I was hanging out on his blog this morning and saw this comment by some fucktard “MIKE”, that was in reference to a post about McDonald’s new Fruit Smoothies.
Marvo’s response to Mike’s comment had me in a full on evil giggle trying to keep milk & cereal from launching out of my nasal cavities and onto my keyboard.
Might be one of the best handled bullshit comment responses I’ve ever seen…
I just thought I’d share….

Mike: because there is a touch screen it is part iphone? That is really stupid. Because I have two arms does that make me part octopus?

Marvo: Really? Is that the best kind of insulting comment you could leave behind. It’s like you put no effort into it. I know tweens that can leave better comments than you did. Geez, you need to go hang out and read comments on Digg.

Here’s how I would’ve done it.

First, you’re using capitalization all wrong. If you’re going to start off with a lowercase letter, then ALL of your words should be lowercase. Although, for more emphasis, you could’ve said “THAT IS REALLY STUPID!” in all uppercase. See that, it’s like you’re yelling at me because you can’t yell at me in person. I personally would said, “THAT IS REALLY FUCKING STUPID” because profanity, or as I prefer to call it, Webster’s Sugar, adds more emphasis. Also, I prefer to use contractions. “THAT’S REALLY FUCKING STUPID” flows better. Oh, don’t forget to include in exclamation point.

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s analyze your first sentence. Again, use contractions. Also, use txt speak because it’s shorter and it make it harder for me to determine if you’re a teenaged girl or a 30 year old man pretending to be a teenage girl. Although, your username, kind of gives it away. But next time use something a little more ambiguous like iloveboys2010. Again, hard to determine if you’re a teenaged girl or a 30 year old pedophile. Another thing you’re missing is typos. Any good insulting comment has typos. So here’s how I would rewrite your first sentence, “cuz their’s a touch screen it’s part iphone?”

Of course, I went over your second paragraph, so right now we have “cuz their’s a touch screen it’s part iphone? THAT’S REALLY FUCKING STUPID!”

Okay, let’s move on to your last sentence. Again, let’s start off with the txt speak, so “because” is shortened to “cuz.” Now, I feel like your octopus example is kind of weak. I might’ve gone with “cuz I sit on the toilet whenever I have to take a pee, does that make me part woman” or “cuz I left a poorly constructed insulting comment on some shitty blog, does that make me a dick.”

So let’s put it all together. “cuz their’s a touch screen it’s part iphone? THAT’S REALLY FUCKING STUPID! cuz I left a poorly constructed insulting comment on some shitty blog, does that make me a dick.”

Perfect!

Go visit The Impulsive Buy:http://www.theimpulsivebuy.com/wordpress/